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cardrater

I need help

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Need some advice from those who have maybe gone through this and we’re able to get out of this funk I’m currently in. I’m a person who has treated women like objects, failed his marriage, hasn’t graduated yet and is 28, fallen away from religion, making mistakes at his job, views himself as ugly inside and out, disappoints those he associates himself with, and lacking any self esteem right now.

I  just want a hard reset. Looking at running away or something and doing some soul searching. I don’t know if I’m hitting a midlife crises at a young age but I hate the person I am and what I have been for years. It’s taking its toll as I never go out and when I do people alway mention I look tired and never smile or talk. 

I need help and I know I’m not a regular here on this board and have said some stupid things... but I just need any advice right now and need to share what’s going on before I finally break. 

 

Please delete or remove if not appropriate

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I have never had problems with addiction but i have always found this prayer popularized by AA groups helpful.  It basically says to forget the stuff you can't change and worry about the future.  Put that stuff in a box until you can do something about them.  

If you really want to work on it see a therapist.  Decide what you want to be and do and then do it.   

 

 

"God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

 

 "If you don't like something,change it.

 

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43 minutes ago, cardrater said:

Need some advice from those who have maybe gone through this and we’re able to get out of this funk I’m currently in. I’m a person who has treated women like objects, failed his marriage, hasn’t graduated yet and is 28, fallen away from religion, making mistakes at his job, views himself as ugly inside and out, disappoints those he associates himself with, and lacking any self esteem right now.

I  just want a hard reset. Looking at running away or something and doing some soul searching. I don’t know if I’m hitting a midlife crises at a young age but I hate the person I am and what I have been for years. It’s taking its toll as I never go out and when I do people alway mention I look tired and never smile or talk. 

I need help and I know I’m not a regular here on this board and have said some stupid things... but I just need any advice right now and need to share what’s going on before I finally break. 

 

Please delete or remove if not appropriate

Extended time traveling alone outside of the country, psychedelics, meditation, spending time in nature, and therapy have all been helpful for me. Also following a routine in the gym and focusing on hitting your goals there before taking care of the rest of your life can help you get out of a funk. Good luck!

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9 hours ago, cardrater said:

Need some advice from those who have maybe gone through this and we’re able to get out of this funk I’m currently in. I’m a person who has treated women like objects, failed his marriage, hasn’t graduated yet and is 28, fallen away from religion, making mistakes at his job, views himself as ugly inside and out, disappoints those he associates himself with, and lacking any self esteem right now.

I  just want a hard reset. Looking at running away or something and doing some soul searching. I don’t know if I’m hitting a midlife crises at a young age but I hate the person I am and what I have been for years. It’s taking its toll as I never go out and when I do people alway mention I look tired and never smile or talk. 

I need help and I know I’m not a regular here on this board and have said some stupid things... but I just need any advice right now and need to share what’s going on before I finally break. 

 

Please delete or remove if not appropriate

It's all small steps to set yourself up for success. One of the first things that helped me is to establish a morning routine. Get up at the same time every day, even on weekends. Set an alarm that REQUIRES you to get out of bed. I've got an alarm on my phone that requires me to turn on a light and smile for the selfie camera. I hated it for the first few weeks, but now it's habit. I have two choices when it goes off: listen to the annoying alarm sound for hours, or get up, go to the light switch, and smile for the camera. Once I'm up I can get into my morning routine.

Once you've got that down for a few weeks pick another small goal. Schedule a time to do whatever it is you want to do and do it every day (working out, reading more, walking your dog, etc...). Once that's down set another routine, then another, then another, and so on. Those small successes will start adding up, and you'll gain confidence in yourself because you were able to make these habits stick.

Life is hard, man. Just remember that the only thing you can control are your own actions. Make those changes in yourself and let the outside factors slide. You've got this!

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Ya know, this is difficult and no one can understand what you're going through except you and God. You can move, transfer schools, travel, run away from your problems, etc., but the only person or thing that can help yourself is you. I know this might seem a little silly, but my mother has told me this since I was a little boy and it has helped me more than I can tell you - "The only person in charge of your feelings is you". Only you choose what you think and how you feel. If you don't like feeling depressed then don't think the thoughts that make you feel depressed. Only you have control of you your thoughts and actions. I agree with bluerules very much. Good luck with everything!

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11 hours ago, cardrater said:

Need some advice from those who have maybe gone through this and we’re able to get out of this funk I’m currently in. I’m a person who has treated women like objects, failed his marriage, hasn’t graduated yet and is 28, fallen away from religion, making mistakes at his job, views himself as ugly inside and out, disappoints those he associates himself with, and lacking any self esteem right now.

I  just want a hard reset. Looking at running away or something and doing some soul searching. I don’t know if I’m hitting a midlife crises at a young age but I hate the person I am and what I have been for years. It’s taking its toll as I never go out and when I do people alway mention I look tired and never smile or talk. 

I need help and I know I’m not a regular here on this board and have said some stupid things... but I just need any advice right now and need to share what’s going on before I finally break. 

 

Please delete or remove if not appropriate

Sounds like you have some challenges.   Don't worry, you are not unique or alone.   It's part of life.   Don't feel discouraged, or down on yourself because things haven't gone exactly as you planned.   

My advice is to put yourself in a position where you can succeed.  Maybe make some changes to your lifestyle if you feel it will help (move to a new city for a fresh start?,  seek out a new job?, try to improve your health?, make goals?, attend Church?, become more focused at your job?, etc.).

Also, it wouldn't hurt to seek out some professional help, and get some counseling.  Maybe they can be an objective voice, and help you to make the changes to your life that you want to do.

Good luck.  

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12 hours ago, cardrater said:

Need some advice from those who have maybe gone through this and we’re able to get out of this funk I’m currently in. I’m a person who has treated women like objects, failed his marriage, hasn’t graduated yet and is 28, fallen away from religion, making mistakes at his job, views himself as ugly inside and out, disappoints those he associates himself with, and lacking any self esteem right now.

I  just want a hard reset. Looking at running away or something and doing some soul searching. I don’t know if I’m hitting a midlife crises at a young age but I hate the person I am and what I have been for years. It’s taking its toll as I never go out and when I do people alway mention I look tired and never smile or talk. 

I need help and I know I’m not a regular here on this board and have said some stupid things... but I just need any advice right now and need to share what’s going on before I finally break. 

 

Please delete or remove if not appropriate

Lots of good advice in this thread.  Maybe the next step is to absorb these ideas, then get away by yourself for a weekend camping or something and do some soul-searching about who you want to be in the next phase of your life.  Only you can change yourself.

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From reddit since I never have the right words to say...but I found this helpful.

Quote

Ouch. Sounds like you're having a tough time max. That sucks. I've been there, so I kinda know what you're talking about. I've been in the ever circling vortex of self doubt, frustration, and loathing. It's no bueno. I know. If you don't mind lemme tell you a couple things. You can read em if you want, read em again later if you feel like it. But honestly man, if I spend all this time typing this out to you and you don't let it be a little tinder for your fire, well, you're just letting us both down. And you don't HAVE to do that. You don't HAVE to do anything. But you get to choose.

(Who am I? My name’s Ryan and I live in Canada. Just moved to a new city for a dream job that I got because of the rules below. I owe a lot of my success to people much cooler, kinder, more loving and greater than me. When I get the chance to maybe let a little bit of help out, it’s a way of thanking them. )

Rule numero uno - There are no more zero days. What's a zero day? A zero day is when you don't do a single +++++ing thing towards whatever dream or goal or want or whatever that you got going on. No more zeros. I'm not saying you gotta bust an essay out everyday, that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to make yourself, promise yourself, that the new SYSTEM you live in is a NON-ZERO system. Didnt' do anything all +++++ing day and it's 11:58 PM? Write one sentence. One pushup. Read one page of that chapter. One. Because one is non zero. You feel me? When you're in the super vortex of being bummed your pattern of behaviour is keeping the vortex goin, that's what you're used to. Turning into productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from the vortex. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS. That's rule number one. Do not forget.

La deuxieme regle - yeah i learnt french. its a canadian thing. please excuse the lack of accent graves, but lemme get into rule number 2. BE GRATEFUL TO THE 3 YOU'S. Uh what? 3 me's? That sounds like mumbo jumbo bullshit. News flash, there are three you's homeslice. There's the past you, the present you, and the future you. If you wanna love someone and have someone love you back, you gotta learn to love yourself, and the 3 you's are the key. Be GRATEFUL to the past you for the positive things you've done. And do favours for the future you like you would for your best bro. Feeling like shit today? Stop a second, think of a good decision you made yesterday. Salad and tuna instead of Big Mac? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Was yesterday a nonzero day because you wrote 200 words (hey, that's all you could muster)? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Saved up some coin over time to buy that sweet thing you wanted? THANK YOU. Second part of the 3 me's is you gotta do your future self a favour, just like you would for your best +++++ing friend (no best friend? you do now. You got 2. It's future and past you). Tired as hell and can't get off reddit/videogames/interwebs? +++++ you present self, this one's for future me, i'm gonna rock out p90x Ab Ripper X for 17 minutes. I'm doing this one for future me. Alarm clock goes off and bed is too comfy? +++++ you present self, this one's for my best friend, the future me. I'm up and going for a 5 km run (or 25 meter run, it's gotta be non zero). MAKE SURE YOU THANK YOUR OLD SELF for rocking out at the end of every.single.thing. that makes your life better. The cycle of doing something for someone else (future you) and thanking someone for the good in your life (past you) is key to building gratitude and productivity. Do not doubt me. Over time you should spread the gratitude to others who help you on your path.

Rule number 3- don't worry i'm gonna too long didnt' read this bad boy at the bottom (get a pencil and piece of paper to write it down. seriously. you physically need to scratch marks on paper) FORGIVE YOURSELF. I mean it. Maybe you got all the know-how, money, ability, strength and talent to do whatever is you wanna do. But lets say you still didn't do it. Now you're giving yourself shit for not doing what you need to, to be who you want to. Heads up champion, being dissapointed in yourself causes you to be less productive. Tried your best to have a nonzero day yesterday and it failed? so what. I forgive you previous self. I forgive you. But today? Today is a nonzero masterpiece to the best of my ability for future self. This one's for you future homes. Forgiveness man, use it. I forgive you. Say it out loud.

Last rule. Rule number 4, is the easiest and its three words. exercise and books. that's it. Pretty standard advice but when you exercise daily you actually get smarter. when you exercise you get high from endorphins (thanks body). when you exercise you clear your mind. when you exercise you are doing your future self a huge favour. Exercise is a leg on a three legged stool. Feel me? As for books, almost every +++++ing thing we've all ever thought of, or felt, or gone through, or wanted, or wanted to know how to do, or whatever, has been figured out by someone else. Get some books max. Post to reddit about not caring about yourself? Good first step! (nonzero day, thanks younger me for typing it out) You know what else you could do? Read 7 habits of highly successful people. Read "emotional intelligence". Read "From good to great". Read “thinking fast and slow”. Read books that will help you understand. Read the bodyweight fitness reddit and incorporate it into your workouts. (how's them pullups coming?) Reading is the +++++ing warp whistle from Super Mario 3. It gets you to the next level that much faster.

That’s about it man. There’s so much more when it comes to how to turn nonzero days into hugely nonzero days, but that’s not your mission right now. Your mission is nonzero and forgiveness and favours. You got 36 essays due in 24 minutes and its impossible to pull off? Your past self let you down big time, but hey… I forgive you. Do as much as you can in those 24 minutes and then move on.

I hope I helped a little bit max. I could write about this forever, but I promised myself I would go do a 15 minute run while listening to A. Skillz Beats Working Vol. 3. Gotta jet. One last piece of advice though. Regardless of whether or not reading this for the first time helps make your day better, if you wake up tomorrow, and you can’t remember the 4 rules I just laid out, please, please. Read this again.

Have an awesome +++++ing day ☺

tldr; 1. Nonzero days as much as you can. 2. The three you’s, gratitude and favours. 3. Forgiveness 4. Exercise and books (which is a sneaky way of saying self improvement, both physical, emotional and mental)

 

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We all mess up because we're human but you're actually way ahead of most people because you acknowledge your faults.   I'd say find a church you're comfortable with and choose  your friends wisely.     People like you seem to have the most potential for helping others honestly,  once you get out of the hole you're in.

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14 hours ago, cardrater said:

Need some advice from those who have maybe gone through this and we’re able to get out of this funk I’m currently in. I’m a person who has treated women like objects, failed his marriage, hasn’t graduated yet and is 28, fallen away from religion, making mistakes at his job, views himself as ugly inside and out, disappoints those he associates himself with, and lacking any self esteem right now.

I  just want a hard reset. Looking at running away or something and doing some soul searching. I don’t know if I’m hitting a midlife crises at a young age but I hate the person I am and what I have been for years. It’s taking its toll as I never go out and when I do people alway mention I look tired and never smile or talk. 

I need help and I know I’m not a regular here on this board and have said some stupid things... but I just need any advice right now and need to share what’s going on before I finally break. 

 

Please delete or remove if not appropriate

Lots of things you should do.  Many of which will be posted in response.  The best thing you can do in my opinion, is to find a good opportunity to volunteer and do things for those in need in your community.  Giving of yourself to others in need will cure a lot.

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On 4/18/2019 at 12:26 AM, cardrater said:

Need some advice from those who have maybe gone through this and we’re able to get out of this funk I’m currently in. I’m a person who has treated women like objects, failed his marriage, hasn’t graduated yet and is 28, fallen away from religion, making mistakes at his job, views himself as ugly inside and out, disappoints those he associates himself with, and lacking any self esteem right now.

I  just want a hard reset. Looking at running away or something and doing some soul searching. I don’t know if I’m hitting a midlife crises at a young age but I hate the person I am and what I have been for years. It’s taking its toll as I never go out and when I do people alway mention I look tired and never smile or talk. 

I need help and I know I’m not a regular here on this board and have said some stupid things... but I just need any advice right now and need to share what’s going on before I finally break. 

 

Please delete or remove if not appropriate

Maybe the best thing to keep in mind is that a "hard reset" is for computers and Hollywood. Becoming a totally different person is difficult, because while it is possible, you will still feel like you are you the entire time, and the changes will be so little it will be like looking at 15 year old pictures. You can look at them, and see yourself in them, but also wonder how you looked like that. It's the same with a mindset and actions. It takes every day to change.

What you can do is plan how you want to be. The person you want to be acts differently than you, yes? That person does things you don't do - maybe he works out, and is more careful at work, and is kinder to women. That person doesn't slack off and doesn't treat people poorly. Something that always helps me is to do something very concrete in planning. Write down about 5 things that define what you don't like about you, and write down 5 things that the person you want to be does that you do not do. Next, write down 5 actions you do that contribute to being the person you don't like. Also, write down 5 actions that the person you want to be does. Keep that paper somewhere. Keep it in a box, or on your fridge, or make it the lock screen on your phone. If you don't actually know the change you want to make, you will not make it.

If you don't like your body, do a simple gym routine. However much or little you work out, just try to add 2 days a week. I really like group fitness classes because there's accountability to the instructor, they don't cost additional money, and you don't have to plan your own workout. 

If you're making mistakes at work, talk to your co-workers and bosses. Ask for help. If there is a strategy they use to avoid those mistakes, find them out. I have several checklists for some of the things I do that drastically improves my finished product. 

That's what I have man. 

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Pick something worthwhile to aim at. You need a goal, anything will work, but you need something to move toward. And don’t lie about how you feel anymore. If someone asked you how you’re day is, a store clerk or whatever, don’t even say good when it’s not. Say okay or it’s going, but stop being fake to even strangers. You don’t have to tell them your life story, but you gotta practice not lying for your own sake. These two things are enough to begin with. You can’t fix it all in a day. But don’t take for granted incremental improvements. They are what make life worth living.

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What has helped me with these type feelings in my early 30's, and like Lawlor said,the best advice sometimes is just to aim up.

Life and happiness won't unfold in grand, sweeping changes. No one can tell you how to find  your own specific meaning or happiness, but it will sure as shit be there with all the mundane Monday's in January, the shitty assignments at work, the 50th time around the block with the dog and everything else that makes life. Making a list or thinking about one or two small things a day that you'd want for or from your ideal self can make a big difference. Just a small aim up everyday can play itself out in amazing and unexpected ways over time.

A recommended article on perspective https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/10/religion-for-the-nonreligious.html

and hang in there man!

 

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Great suggestions above with the probable exception of the use of psychedelics. That suggestion is so out there that maybe that poster was kidding. If he wasn't, although so doing may work for some people, my experience with a few family members is that consumption of intoxicating substances can never be more than a temporary fix to one's problems and such substances often exacerbate problems by making the person think they are incapable of overcoming them sober. Since very few people can be productive who are constantly under the influence of an intoxicating substance, that cannot be a long-term solution.

To cardrater: At the risk of getting a bit Zen and 12 Steppy on you, a journey of 1,000 miles begins with the first step and the Serenity Prayer (see BR's post) works if you work it.

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It may be possible you may be suffering from clinical depression or some other treatable mental condition. A good first step is to see a therapist who will be able to determine if that is the case or not. If not, a therapist can still help you sort out your problems and give you good advice. Regular exercise can also be a big help. 

And please don’t feel alone. Many of us have gone through a lot of the same issues at some point in our lives. Best of luck in your quest to find peace with yourself. 

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Exactly what @soupslam1 said. If this goes deeper than a general unhappiness with the direction you’ve taken your life, get the help that’s available and don’t ever feel ashamed about it. I went through some dark times a few months back and my doctor put me on medication. I didn’t like the idea and had never done taken any, but recognized I was in a bad place and if there was a life preserver that the world could hand me I should take it and not be an idiot. And it worked. It didn’t make me happy, it didn’t fix the problems in my life I needed to address, but it allowed me to keep my own worst tendencies from getting the better of me. And it helped me get my shit in order so that I could get off it within a month. Don’t take for granted anything that can help you. Life is hard enough when you’re doing everything right, and almost nobody is doing that. We’ve all been there, and if we haven’t, we’ll be there soon enough.

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sorry you're going through it, brother.

your op was pretty hard on yourself: be as willing to acknowledge the good you do and are as the bad.  i don't know where you are with things, but i've been where i thought suicide was the only option.  i was angry and pissed off at my lot in life, couldn't think or say anything positive about it.  i felt hopeless.  screwed over.  betrayed.  and i couldn't even say why or by who.  just pure impatience and anger.  it go so i just felt so grumpy and angry at everyone and everything that i began to be sick and tired of being sick and tired.  i got numb, man. i didn't feel anything at all after awhile.  and then when the anger was gone, i realized how much of a dick i had been to wife, friends, children, etc... and that's when the "they'd be better off without me" really started to make sense.  after all, i hated me.  why would anyone else feel different?  i never actually planned suicide, but i kept thinking about it as an escape and i realized i needed help, so i got it.  things are better now.  not perfect, but better.

if you want to talk, like literally talk, pm me and i'll give you my phone number and i'll just listen.

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1 hour ago, AndroidAggie said:

if you want to talk, like literally talk, pm me and i'll give you my phone number and i'll just listen.

Same here.

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1 hour ago, AndroidAggie said:

sorry you're going through it, brother.

...if you want to talk, like literally talk, pm me and i'll give you my phone number and i'll just listen.

 

3 minutes ago, SleepingGiantsFan said:

Same here.

Very kind of you guys.  You have my respect. 

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On 4/18/2019 at 12:26 AM, cardrater said:

Need some advice from those who have maybe gone through this and we’re able to get out of this funk I’m currently in. I’m a person who has treated women like objects, failed his marriage, hasn’t graduated yet and is 28, fallen away from religion, making mistakes at his job, views himself as ugly inside and out, disappoints those he associates himself with, and lacking any self esteem right now.

I  just want a hard reset. Looking at running away or something and doing some soul searching. I don’t know if I’m hitting a midlife crises at a young age but I hate the person I am and what I have been for years. It’s taking its toll as I never go out and when I do people alway mention I look tired and never smile or talk. 

I need help and I know I’m not a regular here on this board and have said some stupid things... but I just need any advice right now and need to share what’s going on before I finally break. 

 

Please delete or remove if not appropriate

Happy to listen. You are not alone. Message me. I'm no genius but I've been there, brother. 

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