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halfmanhalfbronco

My apologies and last post on MWCboard. A thread.

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Thanks to all that reached out after my meltdown.  It meant a lot.  It is too hard to respond to each of you individually and I felt like the community is owed an apology and explanation for my personality change the past 16 months.   Note, this is NOT AN EXCUSE.  We all go through shit and I handle it worst than most, apparently.

In Chronological order

  • My mother was informed she will not be able to get another pacemaker transplant.  As some of you know she has been pacemaker dependent since age 6, longer than any living person.  Simply no more room due to scarred tissue, unless there are medical breakthroughs.  The newer type devices that do not require leads will not work for her, she had one for 4 weeks and it required an emergency removal.  Her life expectancy is about 3 years.
  • My sister has a type of Brain cancer called an Astrocytoma, it is a slow growing tumor but considered to not be operable and terminal._____We thought a MIRACLE had happened.  The tumor could not be found.  Nobody knew what happened to it.  I thought God had answered my prayers, and tears and those of my mom.---he Didn't.  The tendrils remained (an Astroycytoma looks like a +++++ed up octopus) burried deep and it came back.
  • In the past 16 months I have had two miscarriages with two different partners.  All I ever wanted as to be a dad.  The most recent was in Febuary, the day before my birthday
  • I found out last month the extent my sisters husband was beating her.  She has a protection order, but I never saw the photos.  More horrible than I ever imagined.  He had to literally been kicking her while she was on the ground.  And I did not protect her
  • about 10 months ago I was told by a specialist my pancreas is toast stemming from a bad injury ell documented on here.   If I take great care of myself I could live to 50 or so.  Unless medical advances happen, which I am sure they will, god bless AI and science, amirite?
  • My sister asked me to make sure her daughters are always taken care of, and I am afraid I am not good enough to do that. 
     

 

I was raised with only my sister and mom.  That was it.  It was us against the world, with my grandparents taking us in the summer and Christmas break.  Knowing it is just going to be now, against the world, I have not handled it well.

I am sorry to all of you for my behavior the past months, and hope you remember me for the poster I was, and not what I became.  I am sorry for taking this board, which I considered a family of sorts,and making it my personal punching bag because I had no other way to vent.  I have lashed out at almost all of you at one point or another, and I am so very sorry.  I took my anger at the world and what I feel is the injustice of it out on you, going beyond reasonable debate and just being...mean and nasty.

This place is special, I helped make it special, and I am so sorry that I betrayed that.

God Bless,.  
 

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HMHB, 

Take some time away form the board and take care of the things that are way more important than us like your health, and your family. I am sorry to hear of all the struggles you are going through, and wish the best for you. 

Hopefully when things get better, and they will , come back and be the HMHB that we all know and care for. 

 

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On 4/2/2024 at 7:12 PM, bornontheblue said:

HMHB, 

Take some time away form the board and take care of the things that are way more important than us like your health, and your family. I am sorry to hear of all the struggles you are going through, and wish the best for you. 

Hopefully when things get better, and they will , come back and be the HMHB that we all know and care for. 

 

One day maybe.

As a long standing member of the board, I feel like I have betrayed what MWCboard stands for.

MWCboard is @Nevada Convert buying baby formula for our daughters and nieces when there is a national shortage.  No matter any personal grievances.  What a beautiful thing.

MWCboard is @tailingpermit sending paper towels and toilet paper to my girlfriend and sister when I was in the hospital completely out of my mind from a pain pump of dilauded and could not function, at all.  

MWCboard is the decades long in making inside jokes and banter.

MWCboard is where big boys and girls can debate in a deep manner.



I had an epic meltdown.  Please, don't let that taint what MWCboard is.  

 

Maybe in a few years I will reappear as the HMHB you all used to know but if I don't, please know I loved this place so much....and I feel ashamed

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Don’t leave dude!  You bring some great stuff to this board.  We’ve all said stuff we regret later.  Shit happens!  Take a break and come back when you get your head right.

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On 4/2/2024 at 7:30 PM, Wyoguns said:

Don’t leave dude!  You bring some great stuff to this board.  We’ve all said stuff we regret later.  Shit happens!  Take a break and come back when you get your head right.

Oh, I know I provide some good stuff to the board still.

But I don't like who I am right now, when I post on here.  I am angry.  I lash out.  You don't deserve it and right now, I am not in a position where I can not promise it will not happen again.

I will respond to questions on this thread anybody has, because I feel I owe that after so many years.  But I need to take a break.

I have never been so ashamed of myself, including when I was an active addict in my early 20s.  I never treated anybody on this board that way before.  That's on me.  Nobody else.

I love you guys.  I just lost a friend in TP because I could not control my anger.  I don't trust myself to post here right now in a healthy manner.  I am too angry.  

 

I was going to just ghost this board, that would have been easier than owning it.  But it would not be fair.  And it would not be fair to what mental health stigma that needs addressed.

The past year+ I have been mentally ill.  While I may have made great arguments or posted some good info here and there, I layered them with my nasty anger too often.

I am simply not mentally well, way too much anger in my soul.  I am one angry man right now.  Evidenced by my posting.



 

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Glad you have a grasp of what ails you - Take care of yourself and work thru it as best that you can 

Checking in here occasionally might be a good thing, but time away can also be a positive & we've probably all done that from time to time just to prove we can live without the MWC Board in our every thought 

All the best to get your wheels back on track - Go commune with the natural beauty of your area and take it easy & try to find a less stressful mood / mode / mental state 

 

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On 4/2/2024 at 7:45 PM, halfmanhalfbronco said:

Oh, I know I provide some good stuff to the board still.

But I don't like who I am right now, when I post on here.  I am angry.  I lash out.  You don't deserve it and right now, I am not in a position where I can not promise it will not happen again.

I will respond to questions on this thread anybody has, because I feel I owe that after so many years.  But I need to take a break.

I have never been so ashamed of myself, including when I was an active addict in my early 20s.  I never treated anybody on this board that way before.  That's on me.  Nobody else.

I love you guys.  I just lost a friend in TP because I could not control my anger.  I don't trust myself to post here right now in a healthy manner.  I am too angry.  

 

I was going to just ghost this board, that would have been easier than owning it.  But it would not be fair.  And it would not be fair to what mental health stigma that needs addressed.

The past year+ I have been mentally ill.  While I may have made great arguments or posted some good info here and there, I layered them with my nasty anger too often.

I am simply not mentally well, way too much anger in my soul.  I am one angry man right now.  Evidenced by my posting.



 

You’re already on the right path.  Admitting our struggles is no easy task. Especially so in a public forum.   
 

Get the help.  Stick with it.  And look forward to the rejuvenated HMHB’s return! I guarantee you that there isn’t a poster on this board who isn’t pulling for you! 

 

 

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I've been off the board for a while now due to personal reasons, but I'm finding some time to come back every now and then. You're a good poster HMHB, I enjoy reading your insights and Idaho history lessons. Take a much needed mental health break, but I hope to see you back soon. We all need to take a break at some point.  

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On 4/2/2024 at 6:45 PM, halfmanhalfbronco said:

Oh, I know I provide some good stuff to the board still.

But I don't like who I am right now, when I post on here.  I am angry.  I lash out.  You don't deserve it and right now, I am not in a position where I can not promise it will not happen again.

I will respond to questions on this thread anybody has, because I feel I owe that after so many years.  But I need to take a break.

I have never been so ashamed of myself, including when I was an active addict in my early 20s.  I never treated anybody on this board that way before.  That's on me.  Nobody else.

I love you guys.  I just lost a friend in TP because I could not control my anger.  I don't trust myself to post here right now in a healthy manner.  I am too angry.  

 

I was going to just ghost this board, that would have been easier than owning it.  But it would not be fair.  And it would not be fair to what mental health stigma that needs addressed.

The past year+ I have been mentally ill.  While I may have made great arguments or posted some good info here and there, I layered them with my nasty anger too often.

I am simply not mentally well, way too much anger in my soul.  I am one angry man right now.  Evidenced by my posting.



 

Hey man, we all care about you and want you to be well.

Get some professional help to deal with the pain and anger you are experiencing. Seriously. Talk to a professional. It can and does help if you take it seriously as treatment. 

Humans are imperfect things. It is what makes us beautiful. Forgive yourself. 

I'm pretty sure anyone here would forgive you. 

I wish nothing but the best, rest, and healing for you and your family. Take care of yourself and I hope you are in a place where you can find enjoyment here again. In the meantime, we'll miss ya.

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On 4/2/2024 at 8:00 PM, OrediggerPoke said:

You’re already on the right path.  Admitting our struggles is no easy task. Especially so in a public forum.   
 

Get the help.  Stick with it.  And look forward to the rejuvenated HMHB’s return! I guarantee you that there isn’t a poster on this board who isn’t pulling for you! 

 

 

Thanks.

We have all seen mental health breakdowns happen with posters on this board.  They become lore.

What we have not had is somebody admit their poor behavior is a result of poor mental health and illness.  I am so ashamed of my behavior, being honest is the only way I can, in my mind, salvage anything.  

I was so ashamed I wanted to Ghost the board.  Never return with no explanation.  @retrofade convinced me that being a man about it is the only way I will be able forgive myself, be better, and that I owe it to myself as much as to all of you.

If I did not trust and love this place so much, I would tuck my tail and run.  But I owe it to you all, and I owe it to anybody else struggling to understand no amount of insults or anger no matter how great it feels at the time to +++++ing lash out....will help your soul.  It will just add more weight, more self loathing.  

If I can make anything OK about what was not ok, my behavior it is that it is ok to be broken, feel overwhelmed, and struggle with your mental health.  It is not ok to lash out and hurt your peers, friends and community members.  They did nothing.  Sometimes you might not even recognize what you are doing, it might just seem normal and natural, because you have been consumed by the unnatural and abnormal circumstances that life will eventually give all of us.

I'm sorry.  If I do come back, after much self work, I look forward to many great conversations, and debates in a respectful manner.

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Man.  Find someone qualified to talk to.  Stop in and say hi and a progress report.  As we care about you.  Sending nothing but good thoughts your way.

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On 4/2/2024 at 8:26 PM, Billings said:

Man.  Find someone qualified to talk to.  Stop in and say hi and a progress report.  As we care about you.  Sending nothing but good thoughts your way.

Started with a mental health professional last month every other week.  Will be doing weekly instead of bi-weekly starting Friday.

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On 4/2/2024 at 10:20 PM, halfmanhalfbronco said:

Thanks.

We have all seen mental health breakdowns happen with posters on this board.  They become lore.

What we have not had is somebody admit their poor behavior is a result of poor mental health and illness.  I am so ashamed of my behavior, being honest is the only way I can, in my mind, salvage anything.  

I was so ashamed I wanted to Ghost the board.  Never return with no explanation.  @retrofade convinced me that being a man about it is the only way I will be able forgive myself, be better, and that I owe it to myself as much as to all of you.

If I did not trust and love this place so much, I would tuck my tail and run.  But I owe it to you all, and I owe it to anybody else struggling to understand no amount of insults or anger no matter how great it feels at the time to +++++ing lash out....will help your soul.  It will just add more weight, more self loathing.  

If I can make anything OK about what was not ok, my behavior it is that it is ok to be broken, feel overwhelmed, and struggle with your mental health.  It is not ok to lash out and hurt your peers, friends and community members.  They did nothing.  Sometimes you might not even recognize what you are doing, it might just seem normal and natural, because you have been consumed by the unnatural and abnormal circumstances that life will eventually give all of us.

I'm sorry.  If I do come back, after much self work, I look forward to many great conversations, and debates in a respectful manner.

You will come back, and you'll be better for it. You can also be honest and say that I was a complete dick to you in order to try and prove a point. Sorry our conversation earlier got cut short, I talked to my son for a long while because of... well parental things. lol. 

You know that we all are going to be here for you. There's no need to lash out because you're hurting, just talk to the people that you know care about you, and we'll be there for you. You're a good person and we all know it, you just fell down a bad path due to some pretty shitty circumstances. 

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On 4/2/2024 at 8:42 PM, retrofade said:

You will come back, and you'll be better for it. You can also be honest and say that I was a complete dick to you in order to try and prove a point. Sorry our conversation earlier got cut short, I talked to my son for a long while because of... well parental things. lol. 

You know that we all are going to be here for you. There's no need to lash out because you're hurting, just talk to the people that you know care about you, and we'll be there for you. You're a good person and we all know it, you just fell down a bad path due to some pretty shitty circumstances. 

Oh yeah, you +++++ing DESTROYED me.  You called me out, you called me out on so much.  It was so hard to hear and you were a +++++ing DICK about it.  Like, really mean.

It was EXACTLY what I needed....We have been friends so long now you know the way to cut through to me...and it's not always nice.

You loved me n the way you knew I needed love, and I will never forget it.

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On 4/2/2024 at 7:47 PM, halfmanhalfbronco said:

Oh yeah, you +++++ing DESTROYED me.  You called me out, you called me out on so much.  It was so hard to hear and you were a +++++ing DICK about it.  Like, really mean.

It was EXACTLY what I needed....We have been friends so long now you know the way to cut through to me...and it's not always nice.

You loved me n the way you knew I needed love, and I will never forget it.

 

This board can be known for tough love.

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On 4/2/2024 at 8:49 PM, jdgaucho said:

 

This board can be known for tough love.

Yep, Often delivered by HMHB. 

there has been a couple of times he has. Had to straighten me out. 
 

Hell during Covid @mugtang had to yell at us two or three times a week fir being stupid 

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On 4/2/2024 at 10:47 PM, halfmanhalfbronco said:

Oh yeah, you +++++ing DESTROYED me.  You called me out, you called me out on so much.  It was so hard to hear and you were a +++++ing DICK about it.  Like, really mean.

It was EXACTLY what I needed....We have been friends so long now you know the way to cut through to me...and it's not always nice.

You loved me n the way you knew I needed love, and I will never forget it.

Just know that I felt like the world's biggest asshole, but I also felt like you needed to hear it just the same. 

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On 4/2/2024 at 8:49 PM, jdgaucho said:

 

This board can be known for tough love.

This was done via private message on messenger but yeah.

The greater point is I have spent the past 16 months being really, really nasty, abusing my privs as mod, and generally lashing out.  This has overshowed any positive contributions I have made.

@retrofade helped me without trying, to put it all in a timeline.  My personality started to change as I got angrier and angrier with life.  As I felt more helpless, and more afraid, I translated it to anger.  Great conversations I would ruin with my anger because somebody dared insult me or even question me...

Please guys, don't short how amazing MWCboard is because I had a meltdown.  This is an AMAZING community.

TP hit me at the wrong time, not an excuse for how I responded to him.  He antagonized me slightly and I went crazy.  Anybody who has dared contradict or debate me could either be in for a great debate, or me just insulting them.  

The problem is nobody has known how to even respond to me, or if they do if they will be brutalized unfairly.

I made something I love, MWCboard toxic.  I am so sorry.
 

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