sorry you're going through it, brother.
your op was pretty hard on yourself: be as willing to acknowledge the good you do and are as the bad. i don't know where you are with things, but i've been where i thought suicide was the only option. i was angry and pissed off at my lot in life, couldn't think or say anything positive about it. i felt hopeless. screwed over. betrayed. and i couldn't even say why or by who. just pure impatience and anger. it go so i just felt so grumpy and angry at everyone and everything that i began to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. i got numb, man. i didn't feel anything at all after awhile. and then when the anger was gone, i realized how much of a dick i had been to wife, friends, children, etc... and that's when the "they'd be better off without me" really started to make sense. after all, i hated me. why would anyone else feel different? i never actually planned suicide, but i kept thinking about it as an escape and i realized i needed help, so i got it. things are better now. not perfect, but better.
if you want to talk, like literally talk, pm me and i'll give you my phone number and i'll just listen.